Evil...

TO many of us, evil seems to be equated to acts of immorality. notice that i use immorality, not amorality. note the distinction. divagation aside, back to evil. the etymology of the word can be traced back through the languages to one word: regression. in all essences. i suppose its right actually. acts of evil are basically a regression of the self. nothing about morals or whatever. oh, morals. a code of ethics written by Man to justify their wrongdoings and to easier sentence their criminals. but before i go further, let me say first; evil and good are purely subjective and depend on a person's perspective.

Yeah sure u might say that I'm immoral (or amoral, whichever u want), that i'm inhumane and the fact that i'm not outrightly condemning evil is proof of my lack of humanity, but maybe u need to open your mind a little. in this world, a lot of things may be seen as evil, but there are an equal number of things that are perceived as evil, but are truly amoral in their actions and fully depend on intent. when you know how much evil exists in this world, you slowly begin to lose any hope you had, any illusion you entertained that good can prevail in this world. but being wise homo sapiens that u are, im sure u already know that. slowly, even the "goodness" starts ebbing away, slowly at first, then in torrents consequently, until one day you are left with no hope at all, till even Pandora's Box is emptied.

Finally, you begin to doubt everything that you ever knew. until all that's left is a void, emptied of life, of emotion, or goodness. then, when everything seems like it can't get any worse, then you begin to lose your sanity, then your soul, and ultimately, your life. i don't know how to be happy anymore, which is why i don't understand how some people can find it within them to pursue happiness, for themselves and others around them. of course, it's excellent that these people can do that, and that's all fine and good. at least they can find happiness in their life on this earth. then, for me, the happiness just dies. people have told me that my eyes are lifeless, they are dead, as good as a corpses'. and the thing is, i know that. i can make peoples' smiles falter when i look at them. that time i was in the MRT i looked at this guy coming in, and he was smiling happily, but as soon as he saw me, i saw his smile slip off, with the merest flicker of fear in his eyes. and the thing is, i'm actually fascinated with this thing. normally, people would be worrying if their eyes were appearing dead. but for me, i want it to happen more. i like that it happens. i like that i have that ability to induce such negativity. its beautiful, in i dark glamour kind of way. i wish i could do more with my eyes though - 'were they a basilisk's, to strike thee dead'

By now, you probably think i'm off my rocker. i wouldn't blame you. yet another thing i've learnt is that insanity or madness is also subjective. an anachronism may be seen as madness, yet in its own time, would be seen as the norm. so you see, i dun mind it muh when people call me insane or twisted. i prefer to think...experimentally. what does it matter, right, if my humanity is leaving me? after all, i might be able to live a bit easier that way...

What's up?...

SO i haven't been posting for about 11 days. ok. u havent missed much, so dun fret. i mean, all that u missed was me going for LLTC, cos i rly didnt do much during the marking days after the exams, then i got back my results last friday, then its just been reviews and reviews. LLTC was on 17-19. talk later abt that. my exam results are terrible. i cant bear to type it out; ill just scan it in when i get my report book. im really, really disappointed. but what can i do? nothing. except work harder next time. ok. anyway, enough about exams.

LLTC. Lasallian Leadership Training Camp. ok. fun. a bit too many lectures, but most of them were by Bro Mike and Mr Chan for me, so lucky lucky. nothing too boring. but still. and i really, really hate blow wind blow. but nvm. i suppose it was fun; made new frens, loosened up a bit (you should hv seen me dancing; you'd hv laughed ur ass off). the camp was at st patricks, cos LLTC A was at SJI, so we usually rotate. but anyway. why do i love that word so much? well, ther was only 1 patrician and 1 SJIIan in my group, so it wasnt that much of a shock for me. and everyone was really nice, i was so happy. at least my group wasnt gonna be a problem. i actually had fun la. i mean, sure, walking from st pats to orchard road is tiring, but its the journey, right? whatever it was, i really loosened up during the camp, since it was after exams and all that. ppl actually told me i looked happier. hmph. odd, considering i dun look happy all the time. but that shd give u an idea.

Nothing much after that, yesterday was just more and more reviews; so boring i nearly slept during the reviews. and i was in such a whacked up state of mind yesterday, that i actually missed a meeting with my teacher; thank god i didnt get screwed. but still. today was the last day of school. the usual End-of-Year Thanksgiving. so slack. just sit ard and hv TCS all the way, go hall, sing song, clap here and there, endure speeches and awards presentations, then go home.

Then Mummy went and got her car smashed up a bit. i nearly died when i heard. luckily, just a bit of damage to the bonnet, no personal damages, so thats all im thankful for. but yeah, it was a nice car. at least it can be repaired. i hope. from tomorrow till the 4th november i hv supp class, so that's gonna be equally taxing, cos were gonna attempt to finish up the syllabus as much as possible; so that means, sound for physics, binomial theorem and partial fractions for amaths, TKAM for lit, development for geog, chapter 6 more ss. sigh. so much for a break. then on 5th november, ill be taking my S4ML O Level Paper, which is in about 2 weeks. yes, u sense the urgency in my voice, its almost tangibly palpable. riiiight. oh who cares? rihanna is coming in 3 weeks! ahhh!! im SO going. tix a bit the ex tho, $95. but nvm, shes the most successful artiste this decade by the Billboard Top 100 charts. so no loss, i guess.

Well, thats abt it for tonight, gonna go read up on sound some more for physics, then go watch ugly betty later. so yeah. cyaz.