Weekend...

THANK you firstly to michael, for dedicating that piece of artistic prose to me when i really needed it, and i must say, it was very efficacious (in more ways than one) and rather ameliorated my despondency. thanks for trying, but i think ive reached the point where even friends' and family's consolation cannot hope to completely deter the occurrences of these feelings. but never mind that.

I wish that i could express myself through music, and write songs, and compose the music for it, songwrite, compose, but i can't. i think that to be able to express how one truly feels through music, through song, is the most beautiful thing that humans can do. the expression of the inner self manifesting itself in the form of music is, i must say, a most simple yet sophisticated idea. there are so many nuances in music, which correspond to the subtleties of the human emotions, that i feel the two were made for each other, inseparable. sure, i may have written some "songs", but they're just strings of words without music. besides, i don't even think they can be called songs; they're just not fit to be given that prestigious title.

Whatever it is, i really applaud all singer-songwriters out there, even those not reputed for a distinguished singing career, because they have done what not many of us dare to; follow their dreams. although it may not end up as well for some of them (think paris hilton, im sry i had to type that name, watch your screens for any smoking), but for most others, it becomes their life and soul, and it is those people whom i would, given the chance, wish to emulate as best as i can. theres a reason why amy lee is my piano idol, and favourite band, a reason why i love kelly clarkson to bits even if her latest album wasnt well received. its because these people know their music, and just listening to their music is enough for me.

tGiF...

YES, its friday. finally. today was such a slack day. i mean, ok first 2 periods were maths (which was not too bad) and ss (during which ms mara let us listen to U2's bloody sunday, cos were doing NI) then i left for satay-selling! i swear we had so much fun! i forgot how much fun i used to have selling it. i swear, when the lower sec recess began, all hell broke loose. taking orders, collecting money, scooping gravy, serving up. damn. i cld work as a waiter at a posh restaurant. anyway, i was in a white Byford t-shirt, with a kain slung across me, which i must say got in the way of serving, but i think it was kinda cool (as unflattering to my appearance as it is). i didnt manage to get any pix of myself though :( , cos we were so busy. but nvm. whatever it was, we were nearly sold out with the gravy (effectively the whole satay rig) before the upper sec recess began, so that by the time the upper sec boys came down, there was like major shortage of gravy. but anyway, all 2000 sticks sold. wow. it always happens, without fail, despite the tamil cultural society bringing in a roti prata man today, cooking prata fresh. we also got stay man ok, grilling satay fresh.

then we finished at about 11.45. so our teacher said we could just hang around until time to go for friday prayers. so thats what we did, chatted, took pix, and just chilled. then went for friday prayers, came back, changed into PT kit for training. training was bearable today. dunno how many times i got knocked down, though. whatever. had 1 1/2 hrs of badminton for PT. it was so much FUN. thats what i call PT, and i think i burnt more calories playing badminton than our usual PT (running, pushups, situps). so we were dismissed at 6. thank god. then, while waiting for my mum, whipped out my maths homework and got started. it was quite amazing that i could still think straight after everything today, cos i was just exhausted, enervated.

so yeah, thats the personal commentary over. anyway. what happens when your self-esteem takes a really good beating? i mean, seriously, when u realise that u are really nothing, nothing in this big, big world, where there are millions of people better than you, where you a re so insignificant, like a speck of dust in the universe. yeah, of course it sucks, but why do u actually feel like that? i mean, obviously, you've got some psychological and emotional troubles, but do you sort them out? or just ignore them, because you enjoy being "special"?

the need for acceptance into the majority is such an important characteristic of human nature, so much so that sometimes we don't even realise how much we yearn for it. im not saying that everyone feels this yearning, but when i do, and its something ive been feeling almost my whole life, it really hurts. and it pierces right to the core. why can't i just fit in, and be like everyone else? why can't i be normal? maybe its cos ive been marked to never join the ranks of normal people; there are so many things i want to be able to do, but i won't let myself do, because at those times, i just hate myself for being who i really am, and at those times really wish i was normal, like everyone else. don't ask me what i'm talking about, cos i won't tell you, but its enough to know it, right?

Term 3, Week 4...

AH, it's finally Thursday. tmr is the end of the week yay! anyway, tmr is gonna be a really slack day. i only have first two periods, then off to sell satay for the rest of the day up to end of recess. i swear ill be taking pix so u can see how stupid i look selling satay and taking orders. haha. anyway, tomorrow is also my first official training! i'm so excited. its also the inauguration of our new modules approach to PT. i think its gonna be a resounding success. hm. i must remember to remind them to give feedback tomorrow. ill be involved in the badminton module tomorrow (yes, stop smirking, i do play badminton, as unlikely as it sounds :P) and i think its gonna be fun. well, we'll see, won't we? i'll be glad for the weekend, though. it's been a really hectic week, not to mention tiring. u know yesterday night? i was asleep before 10.25pm. that is AMAZING. cause i dun usually drop off to sleep till abt 11pm thereabouts. so anyway, apparently i got an sms at 10.25, and i dun recall hearing it AT ALL. so yeah, i put my book down at 10.15, and i was asleep in 5 min. power la. but really, yesterday was such a draggy day. but nvm that. cant wait for next friday though. we have our gathering of kindred spirits concert, and goodness knows i need some cultural reprieve in my life. haha. it's after training though, so i'll have to shower in school. urgh. what to do? anyway, i gtg now. should be back tmr. stay tuned for that, and this is vladimir kalashnikov saying goodbye, and goodnight, simpleton!

O levels!!!

OK, so today was my o level listening compre. omg, i was like so freaked. i mean seriously, esp when u consider the fact that ive only had about 2 or 3 practices this yr. yes, this yr. (YEAR) sry, cldnt resist. anyway, u know its a serious waste of time; cos ur supposed to report by 2pm, and then stay in the library for like, 2 hrs, doing work. i mean, even if u don't have any work, ur supposed to find work, or read a book. then of course, u hv a supervisor like kumuda, breathing down ur neck everywhere u turn, it was SO annoying. she and her saree, its like lord voldemort's cloak swishing around and u hv to keep looking out for it (i mean, her). and then she kept chasing after US. i mean, we were only talking about geog, and i asked saifullah abt geog, and shes like, do u wanna talk to him, or do ur work? wth?? got nothing better else to do is it? pft. thankfully i managed to finish some chapters in my bio tys. im determined to finish at least half the tys by this year, for all subjects that i have tys, except maybe physics, which is such an impossible subject for me.

So anyway, at 4, they asked us to prepare to move to the examination room, then GPK gave us some encouragement, and wished us gd luck (mr sim too) then went to the hall to keep our bags. surprisingly, i didnt feel anything. i think i was just too jaded to feel anything lol. then, finally in the exam room. u know its hilarious; o level LC is broadcast over national radio, so the whole of singapore can listen for you too, then compare answers. anyway, ours was on Ria 89.7 FM, and thats like a bilingual station, so while we were waiting for the broadcast, who else should they play but Rihanna?! it was so cool, at least i got to calm my nerves (yes, they had acted up by then) listening to Take A Bow. lol. thats the way exams shd be. it wasnt that bad actually. i mean, by the end of it, i was in perfect concurrence with my classmates of almost all the answers, except stupid qn 10, which was a stupid inference qn, which we've never encountered b4. diao. so ive heard all answers, from A - C, except D, which is totally out. so yeah, at most i get 18marks. at MOST. cough.

Anyway, we'll see how i do for that. the final written papers are this november, so yeah. SO looking forward to that. pft. well, tomorrow is gonna be rather fun, with the exception of bio. i mean the pedagoger (u noe wat i mean), not the pedagogy. i love bio otherwise. then chem (yay, oh yeah, i got 10/15 for my recent test, so disappointing) then phy (always amusing). double maths though. argh. cosine rule. then moving on to amaths trigo, with trigo functions and identities. god. eh, its so unfair, i cant go for the temple visit excursion with my class, cause got to go for dining etiquette. sianz. miss out again on a class event. while they're having fun, i'll be stuck in sch giving S2s a lecture. tsk. maybe can negotiate. hm. but tmr no mt. nvm la, thurs. ok, i think ive written long enough. sry, i hv such a flair for writing, i dunno when to stop myself. ;D

Over

I was always around, you never called me down
I was always there, but did you ever care?
I know I was broken, but you never saw
That was how I felt, all alone
In an empty shell

I took you for granted, thought you’d always be there
But I know better now, I guess you just didn’t care
I found it quite hard to believe
That you could do such a thing to me

I loved you
I wanted you
I had you
But still you went

Tell me, what were you thinking, just walking away?
Tell me, did you even need to do such a thing?
Tell me, do you think that I would ever heal?
Hardly

Do you know what you did?
When you left me hanging
You killed me, murdered me, tore my heart out of me
Don’t tell me you didn’t know
Don’t tell me it wasn’t all too obvious
Because you saw it
And, oh yes, I felt it so hard

I may not understand, why things have turned out this way
But I do know one thing; this is what I have to say
That we were never meant to walk this world, without each other
We should be together, forever
I trusted you, told you all that I knew
You took it all, but left an empty heart
You finished the book, read all the chapters that were there, then you threw it away, like you just never cared

I loved you
I wanted you
I had you
But still you went

Tell me, what were you thinking, just walking away?
Tell me, did you even need to do such a thing?
Tell me, do you think that I would ever heal?
Hardly

Do you know how much I missed you?
Do you know how long I cried myself to sleep every night?
I think you did, but you just closed your eyes to it
You deafened yourself to my pleas
How could you do it?
How could you even think of it?
I loved you, more than you could ever know

I loved you
I wanted you
I had you
But still you went…away

Tell me, what were you thinking, just walking away?
Tell me, did you even need to do such a thing?
Tell me, do you think that I would ever heal, again?
Hardly
Hardly
Hardly, no
Hardly

Copyrighted © Mikhail

8^th September 2007

Monday blues...

BACK to school. sadly. well, i must say today wasn't that bad. i guess. el. ok. lit. boring, but ok. maths, tolerable. mt, appalling. bio, fell asleep. maths, again. tdp, frivolous. yeah, managed to hand up the godforsaken combined humans proj, finished it today as well. damn power la. everyone gave me theirs today, printed one person's one out, bought the file, designed the cover page, compiled everything. it looked presentable, in case u have any doubts. anyway. not very eventful today. just an ordinary monday. still. saturday was so busy la. got open house in the morning. report by 8am. sian. wear no.1 somemore. parade attire leh. so warm and stuffy, then must tahan all the parents and their darlings. lucky this year not so bad. im so happy, i stand there demonstrate drills. cool la. then my csm and my partmate left explaining. lol. damn fun ah actually. then i zao at 12 for my classes. then in the afternoon, i met them at changi beach (the other end of the world) for the S4 farewell.

That was another exhausting event. met them, settled down, then started barbecuing. remind me not to barbecue next time. wah, i tell you ah, one stupid chicken wing takes 10 years to cook la. then fire nazak (want to die) alr. so pantat. might as well mati right. then stand in front of the barbecue cooking, smoke like wanna die liao, so panas (hot), then i wearing black polo shirt. haiz. then i simultaneously taking pictures. i damn pro sia. chey ah. then finish at about 9.30. then got plaque presentation la, then im the first one to go up and make a speech and present. wah damn jialak leh. stand up there like some baboon on parade. then finally, everyone went home, then i waiting for my parents to pick me up, along with jeremy tang. then we jus barbecue the remainder of the food, and ate supper. so cool. quite nice leh. i actually ate the sambal sotong, which is saying something since i don't usually eat sotong. anyway, digression aside. yeah. then we stayed there so long, the teachers never come back, we both thought they pangsei us. then we left all the unused equipment there, and just left. lol. then when i walked to the carpark i saw them. wah.

So yeah, that was what happened. i was so exhausted by the time i got home. i swear. then sunday do nothing, actually chiong all my homework (sigh) then relax. aah. then today lor. aiyah. eh, tonight got chuck. yeah! sadly, its season finale is like in a fortnight. sad. its such a cool show.then of course, being the hopeless romantic that i am. yeah, ok i like romance. there, happy? ah, laugh. lucky not so much homework. im still dreading having to do that bio project, but time is running out...sigh. stress...anyway, ttfn.

P.S. nah i paragraph liao. happy?