OK, i dunno if i have actually rambled on about this previously, but i feel the need to reinforce it again. honestly, ive never liked being a human being. sure, it comes with the supposed benefits of higher intellect, reasoning, logic and the capacity to reason and etc. but still. i really wouldnt mind giving all that up just to be able to lead a simple life, like an animal's. all u do is hunt, and hibernate. its such a simple existence, without any moral ramifications and choices. its either hunt or be hunted. i like having that kind of clear-cut choice in life. sadly, thats exactly what life is NOT. its NOT clear-cut. its all in shades of grey. i mean, yes, having some things in shades of grey is ok, but having everything in shades of grey? that just makes me feel really blind and vulnerable. i want to know that i have a future, you know? something like that. not some cloudy vision of what may or may not happen.
And being able to think so much? jeez, my head hurts from thinking TOO much? im thinking about this, about that, worrying about this, about that. whether ill get good grades, if ill get into a school of choice, if my friends will still be my friends, if i can handle heavy workloads and so on and on. with an animal, no. nothing like that. just think about how im gonna find my next meal. i dunno about u, but im just really jaded of all this nonsense. i seem to like the word jaded a lot, as if ive actually lived that long. right. thats what those parochial, know-it-all adults will say. oh, you havent lived as long as i have. yeah i DONT want to live that long. its such a boring life. its not as if i could do what i wanted anyway. i mean, is it possible for me to go travelling around the world in search of historical artifacts? dual-wielding USPs? ok, so maybe ive been playing too much lara croft, but hey! if thats really what i wanted, could anyone give that to me? no. no. no.
Yeah, ive got big dreams. so? theyre still dreams. dreams can come true? ive yet to see anyone's dream come true. make sure u tell me when urs does. if im still alive, after the millenia or so of waiting. if im lucky. i mean, its not as if being human is so great. we're the only creatures who actively seek the destruction of our own species. how sick is that? all the genocides and wars in history's books. i may be wrong, but i dun think animals have full-scale species wars or engage in ethnic cleansing. yeah, im a pessimist. glad u noticed. ill tell u wat. im also a nihilist (read: life has no inherent value). its so redundant. life, i mean. i believe the world is already going to hell. (cf. Matchbox Twenty's 'How Far We've Come') as cruel as u find this to be, i derive amusement from the efforts of the world in trying to save their precious earth. its absolutely futile.
so, heres to the world: GOOD LUCK!
p.s. its in green for the world. if ull permit me.
